Up all night; biting my fingernails down to the quick: I knew all along that it would come down to this. I thought I was ready but I guess I just didn’t comprehend, how much that this would hurt, and how much I had let you in. I had steadied my mind and I had steadied my heart, I had steadied my emotions from the very start but I hadn’t steeled myself against the concept of how much passing time would change everything. Of how with each look, each laugh, each conversation, each passing week, the more it would hammer at my heart making it’s stronghold’s weak. I know that for most this isn’t so drastic and truth be told, if it was anyone else I would just say that they’re being dramatic. Vulnerability is good, something it takes some people a lifetime to achieve, and I hate to single myself out but it’s just different for me. Opening up my heart has always easy. To say I’m an open book would be an understatement, quick what’s an antonym for the adjective, jaded? Or careful, faded, shy, downplayed, heavy laden all of these express, in the very essence, what I am not.
Forget an open book, I’m a broken record, a spoken letter, addressed to the earth; displaying and showcasing my deepest thoughts and most trivial feelings, with no hesitation, in fact, with a cry of jubilation, I open the doors and welcome in the world to the intimidatingly blatant honesty and vulnerability that is my being. No ticket required, come in it’s free, come, take you what need and leave the mess to me; I make no apology nor is one needed. I stand proud with my open heart bleeding. It’s who I am, it needs no amends nor leaves any regrets. And though it may seem foolhardy, trust me it’s safe in it’s simplicity, because though I bear all to the world, there is simply too much for anyone to ever see or know everything.
So, when I say that you’re a pioneer and that I let you in further than I ever intended, please believe that it’s serious business. Because while the rest of the public was waiting in general admission, the bold and bright lobby, full of promise and vision, you found the hidden door in the corner of shadows and submission, the long, dark hallway leading to the deep recesses where no one had yet ventured, until you. Sure, I’ve let people in this far before, but I was in control and if I wanted to I could shut and lock the door. With everyone else in this deep, I delt solely in facts and constants with no emotional attachment, no deep connection, no air of dependence but you came in and wrecked this carefully built system. And the funny part is, it was never your intention. You had no such agenda. You never asked and I never invited you, and yet from the genesis, the first encounter, the first conversation, it was painfully true, God as my witness, you elegantly bypassed my mind and heart, and delved straight to my soul.
Now, that being said, compared to it’s unfathomable depths, you’ve only just skimmed the surface, so, don’t hold your breath; no need for concern; don’t raise the alarm, just maybe feel a little bit nervous. To put it simply, you’ve barely submerged your submarine and the throne of my heart is still locked and buried away, deep, 20,000 leagues under the sea. So, you see, it’s not such a big deal in the grand scheme of things. But considering your competition it’s still an admirable distance, though you are faaar from finishing the race you are one of the few whose dared to step across the starting line and those who came before you have long since been disqualified. So you should feel justified; a sense of pride. Congratulate yourself; a part on the back. You deserve a high-five and yes, now I’m making light, but only because I’m terrified.
We were only every friends, we never crossed that fine line and if this is what that got me the thought of more blows my mind; makes me want to run and hide; feel my head with lies; spend my time getting far ahead and letting you fall far behind. How do you stay sane in world of “I wonders” and “Who knows”? If there’s nothing here to hold on to then how I am supposed to let it go? How do you start over when there’s nothing to erase? And after all we’ve shared how do you expect me to look you in the face? I was not willing nor able to keep you out, and now that I’m willing, the ability is something I’m still figuring out.
Nonetheless, not my will but His be done. I’m an heir to the King for I am betrothed to His Son. God, you are forever faithful, the love of the Father is strong. You are jealous for me and I know you won’t make me wait long before all is revealed in your perfect plan, your perfect time. Blessed are those who mourn, you are attentive to your bride. You hear my cry. And into my aching heart you pour the sweetest relief, yes, it is of my deepest held belief that you would never have let him in if it wasn’t somehow for your glory. So I will wait patiently, maintain a steady pace, keep my eyes fixed on you and the rest will fall into place.
I sleep easy now; my fingernails are growing up from the quick. And through everything, I’ve learned that in Christ alone, it’s come down to this.