“Do all things without grumbling or disputing so that you may prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God, above reproach, in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world.” -Philippians 2:14
ABOVE REPROACH
We’re called to be a light in the darkness, not to blend in and oh hey man I’m just like you and I’m cool and you’re cool so you could be a Christian too and I’m all hey, don’t sin, you be sinning so bad but oh I sin too but hey it’s cool cause I have grace and see it’s all good and God doesn’t judge me so it’s okay to compromise here and here and here and here and in this area over here too and- NO.
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
Why yes we stayed an hour after church just to hang out. Yes, me and Wes had a jam sesh, him on the piano and me singing. And yes that turned into a drum, dancing and vocal sesh with Nathan for 30 minutes in the sanctuary with the lights out. And yes, during that time Rachel and Sp were trying to stick quarters to the wall. And yes, David was outside helping a woman start her car.
I love these people.
HOW HAVE YOU CHANGED THIS SUMMER?
more open to others ideas and opinions about MY life.
HOW WILL PEOPLE REACT TO THESE CHANGES?
With surprise, confusion, disbelief, skepticism or inversely that no one will notice and treat me exactly the same. I’m grappling with two contrasting options of reactions.
On one end of the spectrum I have the worry that people will take in the calmer, gentler more cautious and tame me and see it with negative connotations. That they will not see these changes as improvements but rather that I’ve slipped in my standards. That they will will ascribe to me such traits as “hesitant, unsure water-down and broken in”. That people will think I sold out, or vastly worse, that the will assume I gave up; that this is the real me and the bright, fairy-tale Chrystal they know was a fake, a sham and a unattainable standard to which I failed to live up too.
If you think that sounds bad, the alternative is worse by far: The fear the people will treat me exactly the same; my hard work to better myself will got unnoticed; people will still see in me the same character flaws, same mistakes and same vices; my growth will got unacknowledged and unappreciated; the subtleties of who I am and how I’ve changed will be far overshadowed by the reputation I carry.
My fear is that faced with the ever-smiling, constantly confident, perpetually carefree, unintentionally obnoxious and eternally yellow Chrystal that the able to cry, striving to be humble, learning to be careful, willing to listen and content to be silent Chrystal will go unnoticed and unaccepted.
PRAY AND ASK GOD HOW THESE CHANGED FIT INTO YOU LIFE
I have a new start. I will no longer be held back by small-town ties, reputation or expectation. God has called me to higher things. Those opinions don’t matter. I cannot be judged on who I was because I am no longer that person. I am who God created me to be. I was who God created me to be in that season and I am becoming who God wants me to be in the next season. Neither are wrong. They cannot be compared. Who I was isn’t bad, it just isn’t who I am now.
Each distinct Chrystal served and will serve a purpose, respectively. One facet is not more important, more Holy or more needed then another. They are equally a part of who I am and who I was meant to be and on this common ground these seemingly conflicting attributes can coexist. Thought they contradict worldly standards they are held together by heavenly values.
God has set me apart. If it seems impossible that such varying accounts can exist within one person, it’s because it is. But I serve the God the God of the impossible. So, the old me is becoming a new me and, defying all logic, the divided me is at peace.
What started as a small habit has grown to a full blown disorder. Get really stressed out; scratch my face and legs until I bleed.
Es no bueno.
It’s kind of hard to stop doing something that you do subconsciously and unintentionally.
Oh Jesus, you’re so kind for loving me.
“But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”
For such a crazy, hyperactive, independent, stubborn, fiery, spontaneous, unpredictable, and spunky personality who is constantly changing it’s mind and is easily distracted, I have such a faithful heart. (Thank you, God.)
I don’t want anyone but you, and if I don’t have you, I don’t want anyone else, period.
The Father is so good. It’s amazing how when you just come to him, and you just admit your hurt and brokenness, and just be honest and just say, “God, I don’t what to do. I don’t how to fix it. Just please, fix it.” And because he’s God, and he knows better than you do, he knows exactly how to fix it.
The message at church this morning was sooo good. Here’s just a few excerpts.
“If there’s an area of your life that isn’t glistening in hope, that’s an area where you’ve believed a lie and that deception has a stronghold over you.”
“Too often we strive to get from God what he has already given us.”
“Don’t be like the older brother who was working for the Father, and not with the Father. God doesn’t want you to work for him. He wants to work with and through you.”
” ‘Things are never going to change.’ That’s a lie. ‘I’m always going to be like this.’ That’s a lie.’ ‘I’m always going to struggle with this.’ That’s a lie. We need to stop believing lies!’”
I’ve had a long week. And a long night.
So much has going on with other people, and drama and just things I never imagined I have to deal with. I actually just thought “I wish I just go away and never come back.”
I really can’t wait to leave. Everything I was sad about leaving behind has resolved itself. So, I feel no guilt.
I just want to leave all of this behind. Not in an emo, hate-the-world type way. But just in a clean break kind of way.
I’m determined to have a clean break.
In other news: Another nosebleed? Guuuuuuureat. Also, the mural I worked on for over a year and has been hanging on my door since 2008? When I got home my dad had ripped it down. I don’t even know where he put it or if he just threw it away. And I can’t ask him because he’s on the phone with one of his girlfriends.
I get so pissed off when other people have crappy attitudes and blame it on their circumstances. I’ve gone through, and am still going through terrible circumstances and I still manage to have a positive attitude about my life and help everyone else deal with their problems. But I know it’s not my place to judge.
I just have to keep focusing on God. Because, no matter how much you love someone, or how much they love or loved you, people will always disappoint you. And Jesus is the only lover who is ever-faithful.
Up all night; biting my fingernails down to the quick: I knew all along that it would come down to this. I thought I was ready but I guess I just didn’t comprehend, how much that this would hurt, and how much I had let you in. I had steadied my mind and I had steadied my heart, I had steadied my emotions from the very start but I hadn’t steeled myself against the concept of how much passing time would change everything. Of how with each look, each laugh, each conversation, each passing week, the more it would hammer at my heart making it’s stronghold’s weak. I know that for most this isn’t so drastic and truth be told, if it was anyone else I would just say that they’re being dramatic. Vulnerability is good, something it takes some people a lifetime to achieve, and I hate to single myself out but it’s just different for me. Opening up my heart has always easy. To say I’m an open book would be an understatement, quick what’s an antonym for the adjective, jaded? Or careful, faded, shy, downplayed, heavy laden all of these express, in the very essence, what I am not.
Forget an open book, I’m a broken record, a spoken letter, addressed to the earth; displaying and showcasing my deepest thoughts and most trivial feelings, with no hesitation, in fact, with a cry of jubilation, I open the doors and welcome in the world to the intimidatingly blatant honesty and vulnerability that is my being. No ticket required, come in it’s free, come, take you what need and leave the mess to me; I make no apology nor is one needed. I stand proud with my open heart bleeding. It’s who I am, it needs no amends nor leaves any regrets. And though it may seem foolhardy, trust me it’s safe in it’s simplicity, because though I bear all to the world, there is simply too much for anyone to ever see or know everything.
So, when I say that you’re a pioneer and that I let you in further than I ever intended, please believe that it’s serious business. Because while the rest of the public was waiting in general admission, the bold and bright lobby, full of promise and vision, you found the hidden door in the corner of shadows and submission, the long, dark hallway leading to the deep recesses where no one had yet ventured, until you. Sure, I’ve let people in this far before, but I was in control and if I wanted to I could shut and lock the door. With everyone else in this deep, I delt solely in facts and constants with no emotional attachment, no deep connection, no air of dependence but you came in and wrecked this carefully built system. And the funny part is, it was never your intention. You had no such agenda. You never asked and I never invited you, and yet from the genesis, the first encounter, the first conversation, it was painfully true, God as my witness, you elegantly bypassed my mind and heart, and delved straight to my soul.
Now, that being said, compared to it’s unfathomable depths, you’ve only just skimmed the surface, so, don’t hold your breath; no need for concern; don’t raise the alarm, just maybe feel a little bit nervous. To put it simply, you’ve barely submerged your submarine and the throne of my heart is still locked and buried away, deep, 20,000 leagues under the sea. So, you see, it’s not such a big deal in the grand scheme of things. But considering your competition it’s still an admirable distance, though you are faaar from finishing the race you are one of the few whose dared to step across the starting line and those who came before you have long since been disqualified. So you should feel justified; a sense of pride. Congratulate yourself; a part on the back. You deserve a high-five and yes, now I’m making light, but only because I’m terrified.
We were only every friends, we never crossed that fine line and if this is what that got me the thought of more blows my mind; makes me want to run and hide; feel my head with lies; spend my time getting far ahead and letting you fall far behind. How do you stay sane in world of “I wonders” and “Who knows”? If there’s nothing here to hold on to then how I am supposed to let it go? How do you start over when there’s nothing to erase? And after all we’ve shared how do you expect me to look you in the face? I was not willing nor able to keep you out, and now that I’m willing, the ability is something I’m still figuring out.
Nonetheless, not my will but His be done. I’m an heir to the King for I am betrothed to His Son. God, you are forever faithful, the love of the Father is strong. You are jealous for me and I know you won’t make me wait long before all is revealed in your perfect plan, your perfect time. Blessed are those who mourn, you are attentive to your bride. You hear my cry. And into my aching heart you pour the sweetest relief, yes, it is of my deepest held belief that you would never have let him in if it wasn’t somehow for your glory. So I will wait patiently, maintain a steady pace, keep my eyes fixed on you and the rest will fall into place.
I sleep easy now; my fingernails are growing up from the quick. And through everything, I’ve learned that in Christ alone, it’s come down to this.
I’ve been reading in Philippians 2:23-2, and cross-referencing Paul’s mentality with that of Solomon’s in Ecclesiastes aaaaaaand
I’ve come to the conclusion that I make no sense.
I totally sympathize with Paul and totally feel like that all the time. The whole “Longing for Heaven, but still needed on Earth” dilemma. Yet, I do still find joy in the smallest, trivial things while simultaneously being sickened of all the world has to offer.
What can I say? I’m a complicated gal.
Combatting sin and temptation is just that; a fight and a struggle. So, instead of just temporally wounding your enemy, destroy it.
The reason sin gives us so much trouble as Christians isn’t simply because we sin, Christ has paid for our sin, but it’s our attitude about ourselves after we sin that is so detrimental to our relationship with God. When we sin, we feel guilty, ashamed and worthless. And so, then, we act like it. And then we either continue to drown in the hopelessness of our sinful natures or we try to make up for it with extra good deeds, as if we are trying to earn our way back into God’s favor.
So, you mess up. You sin. Then you feel guilty. Then you feel miserable. Then you hate yourself. You feel like you’re a terrible Christian. So, you try and fix it. You think, well, I’ll read my bible more now, I’ll listen to only Christian music this week, or, I won’t watch that certain tv show for awhile. And while these things may all be good things on their own, they shouldn’t be crutches or bargaining chips.
“It is by faith you have been saved, it is not of yourself. It is a gift of God so that no man can boast. ” Ephesians 2:8
Sound familiar?
Here’s the thing, God never changes. He is an EVERfaithful and EVERloving God. He loves you just as much and you are just as much worth to him on the day you led worship and the day you spent all night looking at porn. Brothers, sisters, isn’t this amazing news!?
NO MATTER HOW HARD WE TRY TO BE GOOD AND NO MATTER HOW TERRIBLY WE FAIL AT IT: GOD LOVES US AND SEES US AS PURE, RIGHTEOUS AND HOLY.
Our sin is what keeps us from God to begin with, but since Jesus paid the price for our sin, once you accept that what keeps you from God is your sin making you feel worthless and you not continuing in his grace and mercy.
Temptation is hard, but if you keep in mind that being tempted is a step closer to breakthrough, you can get through it. Before Jesus could work in his calling, he was tempted in the desert. Before he could could work through the power of God, he had to prove that he could resist the power of his flesh.
And when you do give in to temptation, and you sin, don’t let it wreck your relationship and don’t let it wreck your destiny. The bible is full of account of great leaders who sinned. Be like David, recognize your mistake, repent, make it right and then continue passionately pursuing God. Don’t be like King Saul, don’t let your sin define you and change, and ultimately ruin your destiny.
